well i have been informed that i have not blogged in a while so i finally gave in. i know, i know, giving in to peer pressure is not normally a good thing. but i figure. it's a blog, whats the hurt in giving in to blogging? i figure if i'm gonna give into something, this in one of the best options, right?
ok so lately. work. friends on occasion. brother. brother's girlfriend, who's also my sister by choice. brother and sister in law move in + their one year old daughter. she's the dictionary definition of adorable. she is amazing. i love her so much. yes she's a typical one year old in that she enjoys finding anything new and exciting, i.e. anything within reach, no matter what it is. although the cat is undoubtedly enjoying having someone his own hight to play with, so all in all it's not a bad arrangement. Eric is leaving for some military camp in a few days. chris is taking his lawyer test thing this week. and i'm here. working and sitting around watching TLC but hey, i can't deny that it's pretty relaxing...
i went upto the harbor with Eric and Lauren for the thursday concert thingy. bad idea for a girl who has no boyfriend. very very bad idea for one who wants to get married tomorrow. i just happen to be both of those girls combined. *sigh* first of all i've got mr. and ms. perfect couple sitting beside me and i swear there was not one person at the harbor over the age of 12 who didn't have a "pair" it was crazy. every where i looked it was hand holding. aarms around the waist, kissing, cuddling, laughing, dancing. you get the idea. it just made my singleness even more apparent to me. it was like somehow everyone knew that the one girl who didn't date was sitting on that one patch of grass and therefore felt it necisarry to rub my face in their happiness. i saw all different kinds of couples. the ones who obviosly just started dating and were at the awkward "should we touch each other or just walk really close together" stage. then there was the holding hands, so happy together stage. then there was the guy with his arm around the waste slowly making his way into her back pocket stage. then there's the girl in the boy's lap stage. and of course the making out stage thrown in there as well. now don't get me worng. i do not have anything against dating to an extent, but please guys, get a room.
But i realized something that night. something i think i always knew but i just never really thought about: i'm really strange. like when i tell people i don't date they look at me like i'm from another planet. they just can't comprehend not dating in high school. it's just a way of life for most high schoolers. they don't think about it. it's just a natural way of doing things. is this bad: of course not. i don't think dating is evil, i just know it's not for me.
a good friend of mine asked me why i'm waiting. and i said: i don't think dating is wrong. i don't think that it's evil or anything like that. it's simply not for me. do i want a boyfriend? heck yes i do. but that is the reason i know i can't have one right now. i have to look at the real picture. the fact that i am so desperate for someone means that i am so not ready for one. i know that if i got into a relationship right now i would throw all of myself into it. everything else in my life would come second, including God. that would be a problem. i really think highly of the people who can figure out how to balance out a relationship and their faith at the same time. i just know that right now, i am not one of those people. i know that no matter how hard i would try, i wouldn't be able to find a happy medium.
and there's also another problem: touch. anyone who knows me well at all knows how touchy i am. i love any kind of touch. i think that this would be a real problem for me in a relationship. i know how easy it would be for me to get carried away. i've made a promise to myself: i'm not going to kiss anyone until i'm engaged at least and no sx until my wedding night. now once again, i do not think kissing is evil, this is just me saying what is in my own heart. so if you're reading this i don't want you to think that im against anything involving dating because that is simply not true. so anyways. i know for sure that if i tried to get into a relationship right now it would be a constant battle of how far should i go? how far can i go before i start feeling guilty? how far can i go before we start making out? now why the heck woud i want to put myself through that? is it fun? i'm sure it is! why else would everybody be doing it? but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can't let myself go through that. i just don't think i would make it.
i think the hardest part is when i look around and almost everyone who is close to me is in some kind of hapy relationship with someone else. everyone has someone. and then there's lonely ashley. the wierd girl who just sits on the sidelines and watches. yes i'm wierd, this i know. and it is one of the hardest things i've had to do to say "no" to dating. but in the end i know i'll be thankfull. and ya know, whatever doesn't kill me just make me stronger, right? God never said it'd be easy to obey him, he just said to obey him. so i'm just gonna continue to do what i believe he has called me to do and who knows, maybe my prince charming will come riding in on his noble steed some day that would be awesome!
