Rivers know this: There is no hurry. we shall get there someday.

Hi. It's been a while since we've last talked.
My have things changed.

As I look back on previous posts I feel a whole mess of emotions being poured over my head. Am I crazy? I sure hope not. I don't think I am. But you really never know.
I'm in a very moody mood tonight. That kind of mood where you just can’t stop the pictures flooding into your head of all sorts of things. Things that have happened and things that you are just plain scared of happening. It’s one of those “take a look at your life” moods. It’s not exactly the way I would wish to spend my evening, but there’s no stopping it once it comes. So I decided to embrace it. Write about it. Then maybe I can get some sleep.

I'm thinking of oh so many things. Of friends long gone. Of friends I’ve just made. Of my immediate family and of distant relatives. About God and heaven. About my cat and the puzzle I never worked. About Tom Sawyer and Frodo Baggins. About going away to college. About quiet times and Pikes Peak. About Winnie the Pooh.
I told you it was random. Can’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’ve been thinking a ton about my old friends. Friends that I used to be so close to. We were best friends. And now we barely even speak to each other. Not that there was a fight or they moved away, our lives just simply began to go in different directions. We were all traveling on this one path and then suddenly. Poof!!! The path goes in a complicated twist, constantly getting tangled up in itself. That’s how it feels. We’re all going in roughly the same direction but our paths are all so different. I miss the olden days. I’ve been watching old home videos lately and oh how I wish I was five again. Life was so easy. So happy. Running through a sprinkler in the yard was the best thing ever and cutting the junk mail was my favorite pastime. But not so anymore. Life gets oh so much more complicated the older you get. Suddenly there are cell phones and car payments. Jobs and paychecks. Boys and parents. Drama and the stress of living; High school in a nutshell. Why? Why do we have to grow up? Sometimes I wish I could fly off with Peter Pan and Wendy and go to the land of Capitan hook and mermaids. The place where nothing ever changes and you stay young forever. But this is not the case. This can’t happen. We just have to embrace the change and make the most of it.

In other news; Ashley has found herself a boy. A boy by the name of Jackson Moore. A boy so wonderful she doesn't understand why he chose her. Now I’m sure you're thinking, "If I scroll down two clicks, I see a whole book about why she doesn't want to date until she graduates" yeah well I don’t blame you. It’s crazy how much things can change. How many events happen in between the times where you sit back and look at your life from a bird’s eye view. This is one of those times for me. A time to just sit back and watch a playback of my life over the last few months. Wow. What a whirlwind of craziness!
About four months ago I never would have been able to imagine my life as it is now. I mean. Having a boyfriend was unheard of to me then. Oh yeah I wanted one, but I wasn’t about to fall into that trap. But then suddenly I did. I fell and I got trapped. But what a happy trap it turned out to be. It’s everything I could have asked for and more. He’s a wonderful boy who treats me right. We just seem to click in a perfect way. But you may ask, “Why did you change your mind?” and my answer; it just happened. Everything just seemed right. I asked my parents about it, I prayed a ton, and it just all sort of fell into place. I truly feel like it is something that God is saying “this is good” to. I have no idea what the future holds, but for now I'm just taking each day, one at a time.

I suppose that concludes my ranting of the night. I'm going to go to sleep.
Goodnight Moon.

being single in a very paired up place...

well i have been informed that i have not blogged in a while so i finally gave in. i know, i know, giving in to peer pressure is not normally a good thing. but i figure. it's a blog, whats the hurt in giving in to blogging? i figure if i'm gonna give into something, this in one of the best options, right?

ok so lately. work. friends on occasion. brother. brother's girlfriend, who's also my sister by choice. brother and sister in law move in + their one year old daughter. she's the dictionary definition of adorable. she is amazing. i love her so much. yes she's a typical one year old in that she enjoys finding anything new and exciting, i.e. anything within reach, no matter what it is. although the cat is undoubtedly enjoying having someone his own hight to play with, so all in all it's not a bad arrangement. Eric is leaving for some military camp in a few days. chris is taking his lawyer test thing this week. and i'm here. working and sitting around watching TLC but hey, i can't deny that it's pretty relaxing...


i went upto the harbor with Eric and Lauren for the thursday concert thingy. bad idea for a girl who has no boyfriend. very very bad idea for one who wants to get married tomorrow. i just happen to be both of those girls combined. *sigh* first of all i've got mr. and ms. perfect couple sitting beside me and i swear there was not one person at the harbor over the age of 12 who didn't have a "pair" it was crazy. every where i looked it was hand holding. aarms around the waist, kissing, cuddling, laughing, dancing. you get the idea. it just made my singleness even more apparent to me. it was like somehow everyone knew that the one girl who didn't date was sitting on that one patch of grass and therefore felt it necisarry to rub my face in their happiness. i saw all different kinds of couples. the ones who obviosly just started dating and were at the awkward "should we touch each other or just walk really close together" stage. then there was the holding hands, so happy together stage. then there was the guy with his arm around the waste slowly making his way into her back pocket stage. then there's the girl in the boy's lap stage. and of course the making out stage thrown in there as well. now don't get me worng. i do not have anything against dating to an extent, but please guys, get a room.
But i realized something that night. something i think i always knew but i just never really thought about: i'm really strange. like when i tell people i don't date they look at me like i'm from another planet. they just can't comprehend not dating in high school. it's just a way of life for most high schoolers. they don't think about it. it's just a natural way of doing things. is this bad: of course not. i don't think dating is evil, i just know it's not for me.
a good friend of mine asked me why i'm waiting. and i said: i don't think dating is wrong. i don't think that it's evil or anything like that. it's simply not for me. do i want a boyfriend? heck yes i do. but that is the reason i know i can't have one right now. i have to look at the real picture. the fact that i am so desperate for someone means that i am so not ready for one. i know that if i got into a relationship right now i would throw all of myself into it. everything else in my life would come second, including God. that would be a problem. i really think highly of the people who can figure out how to balance out a relationship and their faith at the same time. i just know that right now, i am not one of those people. i know that no matter how hard i would try, i wouldn't be able to find a happy medium.
and there's also another problem: touch. anyone who knows me well at all knows how touchy i am. i love any kind of touch. i think that this would be a real problem for me in a relationship. i know how easy it would be for me to get carried away. i've made a promise to myself: i'm not going to kiss anyone until i'm engaged at least and no sx until my wedding night. now once again, i do not think kissing is evil, this is just me saying what is in my own heart. so if you're reading this i don't want you to think that im against anything involving dating because that is simply not true. so anyways. i know for sure that if i tried to get into a relationship right now it would be a constant battle of how far should i go? how far can i go before i start feeling guilty? how far can i go before we start making out? now why the heck woud i want to put myself through that? is it fun? i'm sure it is! why else would everybody be doing it? but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can't let myself go through that. i just don't think i would make it.
i think the hardest part is when i look around and almost everyone who is close to me is in some kind of hapy relationship with someone else. everyone has someone. and then there's lonely ashley. the wierd girl who just sits on the sidelines and watches. yes i'm wierd, this i know. and it is one of the hardest things i've had to do to say "no" to dating. but in the end i know i'll be thankfull. and ya know, whatever doesn't kill me just make me stronger, right? God never said it'd be easy to obey him, he just said to obey him. so i'm just gonna continue to do what i believe he has called me to do and who knows, maybe my prince charming will come riding in on his noble steed some day that would be awesome!

i do not like green eggs and ham, i do not like them sam i am.

well hello there! (Eric always says that. i miss him a lot)
well lately my life has been nothing short of uneventful. mostly work. some friends sprinkled in here and there. i have really been loving having Lauren living with us for the past week or so. she's going to be here until my brother comes home on the 13. it's nice to have a sister around. she gets me like not many people do. it's fun. tonight we went up to wal mart and got a bunch of random cosmetic stuff consisting of clay face mask goop, nose strip thingys, makeup, and face wash. we tried out the face masks tonight and had fun sitting around for about 20 minutes looking at old pictures on my computer being unable to make any expressions because the mask makes your face feel like it is covered in super glue. lol. it was great! but now we have nice, clean skin! woot!
alright enough about face wash =) I've been to a couple of parties as of late and i have realized something: i really Love my friends. like a lot. and most of them seem to like me too, which is a plus. but it is nice to have a place i can go where i can be my own crazy and weird self, and people still like me. lol. I've had groups of friends before where i would love hanging out with them, but it always felt fake and forced. like i was having to constantly put on a mask and pretend to be someone that i really wasn't. i didn't know how much fun it could be to be with friends that actually love you for exactly who you are. it's a great feeling!
I've also been working quite a bit. most of the time it is alright. it has it's ups and downs but there's really going to be those at any job, so i don't dwell on it too much. i still have a lot of fun with it. one of the funnest (yes it is a word) things ever is when i am standing in the gym and a little kid runs up screaming "miss Ashley! miss Ashley" and then they latch onto me like a leach cause they "missed me so much!!" and I'm sitting there with a huge smile on my face because this little four year old hasn't seen me in over a month and yet she still knows who i am and remembers my name and actually missed me. how amazing is that! it's such a great happy feeling! and i actually have relationships with some of the kids. like there's a few kids that i know like all about their crappy home life or their summer vacation last year or who they are crushing on. it's so much fun. they actually like me. i love it so much!!!
i miss my brother a lot. like a whole lot. Lauren and i were looking at all of our picture and he kept coming up on the slide show and i was just like "wow. I'm ready for him to be home" and i know Lauren is too =P that couple is adorable!! I am also super excited about Chris Corrie Sadie and little baby no-name coming to live with us in less than a month! it is going to be so much fun!
I've also been having some not so happy stuff going on. I'm not going to get into it here, but God has really been coming through for me. putting people into my life who will encourage and help direct me in the right direction. and just letting me know exactly what he wants me to do. there have been many times where i have been feeling incredibly alone. wondering if there really is a God out there who is listening to all my problem. a god who actually cares. and you know what i found out? there is and he does care! he really cares. i don't know why and i don't know how. all i know is that i am truly thankful. i really do serve an amazing God!

A not so great day...

why don't people understand. when you let your kids get away with whatever they want, they will do whatever they want. and this cycle will continue for their entire life. why is that so hard to understand? i worked two parties today. the first was a complete and total disaster. it was for a boy who was turning four. i know this boy from previous experience and as soon as i saw his name on the schedule my stomach dropped. "this is going to be a long day" i muttered to myself as i began to blow up his balloons. well the party gets there. i am working with Justin today "maybe he will be able to make the kid behave. he's good with little boys" ya. that was wishful thinking. as soon as the kid came in he was running all over the gym. and his mom was not a very friendly person either. every now and then i get a not so nice mom, but this one was the worst I've ever gotten. she just stood there talking to her friends. i didn't know what to do. her son ws our running everywhere. Justin was over setting up the obstacle course for the party. what do i do?? so i got another guy, Vincent (who is the king of parties) to help me until Justin could come. he heaved a sigh but did it. he's a lifesaver. OK well meanwhile the boy is still running all over the place and no matter how many times i tell him to stop, he doesn't. ugh. parents, are you blind? they didn't even care. ughughugh, so then we finally go to tramps. that is the easiest part of the party cu normally you just stand there and watch. well the boy's friend kept on coming in...and they didn't stop coming in for a very long time. eventually there were 21 kids, none of them older than 4 years old, running around the gym. We tried to control them, but there is only so much two people can do for that many kids. the parents weren't any help at all. i swear there was something in the air today that was making all adults grumpy. at least for the parties. so we struggled through an obstacle course and miraculously, nobody was seriously injured. oh did i mention that 17 of the 3 and 4 year old kids were boys? ya. you can only imagine...so we somehow managed to get through the party. i was close to tears about 3 or 4 times. i didn't know how to handle it. nothing i said would make any impact on these kids whatsoever. they were just determined to do everything their way. no matter what. and the entire time the mom just stands there looking at what she believes to be a perfect, innocent, obedient 4 year old boy. serious? do you not have eyes? do you not have ears? don't you get it? you make hiom this way. i love those parents who just let their kids do whatever they want whenever they want and then they get furious with the kid when they don't obey them. come on guys! it's not that hard to figure out. it just makes me so frustrated. i see so many different types of parents at work. and everyday i go in, i get more and more thankful for the amazing parents that God gave me. they really are awesome!!!
the next party was for a girl turning two. we aren't even supposed to do two year old parties. those are reserved for a lady in the gym who only works with that age. but somewhere along the line they forgot to put that on the schedule and so there we were, neither of us having a clue how to do a two year old party, and yet somehow making it through. this one wasn't quite as bad cuz most of the parents just stayed with their kids so we didn't have to do much. but once again i saw so many parents just letting their kids roam around doing whatever they want, and then expecting them to obey them on the first try. yeah right.
oh and did i mention that we got no tips today. none. 21 3 and 4 ear old and not one penny. ugh. not a good day.

just another day...

my cat is the strangest thing ever. he comes when he is called, he watches tv, he runs head first into virtually any solid surface, and he can't stand being away from people. oh ya, and he can jump completely virtically into the air about 3 feet, and he does so frequently. lol. he makes me laugh allot.
So i have discovered that i am pretty much the only person out of my circle of friends that is not going anywhere this summer. all my friends are going to like New York, California, England, and other places all over the country. but me, ya ashley is just staying in rowlett, working, watching tv, getting fat. ugh. i want to go SOMEWHERE!! i've always wanted to just get in my car with a couple close friends, without a map or a planned destination of any kind and just drive wherever seems like a good place. how amazing would that be??? so just have no set agenda and just go off into the horizon towho knows where! *sigh* but no. i'm staying here. =/
oh facebook. i forgot to mention facebook. i spend probly 5 hours a day on facebook. how completely sad is that? is my life really that boring? i mean i should be out doing things, right? nope. i just sit. occasionally i will get together with some friends and then we all sit together. which is more fun that sitting alone but it's still just sitting. we take like 30 minutes to decide if we want to go eat at taco bell or taco bueno. really guys? come on. it's not that hard.
i am so ready to go somewhere. i want to go to college so badly. i am going to get to leave texas and go somewhere new. meet new people. ahh. i can't wait. yeah i know school will be involved, but still. school outside of texas has got to be better than school inside of Texas. lol
ginni and Alan are getting married in less than two weeks! WOW! i am sooo excited for them. see that is what marriage is supposed to look like. two people who really love each other, who really care about the other person, people who will be there for each other through thick and thin, people who are perfect for each other. not to mention they are like the cutest couple ever! ah. i just can't wait till it's my turn. yeah yeah i've gotta be patient. but i just can't wait to have what they have. i look and them and they are so genuinely happy. you can just tell that they are so in love with each other. i want that so badly. i think anyone would be crazy not to want thtat, ya know? love come on. how could that look anything but wonderfull? i don't know. i can't wait to find the guy that God has already picked out for me. he's gonna be amazing!!!

Broken heart, one more time

Wow it's been quite awhile since i posted on here. i doubt anyone will actually read this anyways, i guess it is just more for my benefit.
well I've just been thinking allot. thinking about God, family, relationships, love, friends, and much much more. i am convinced that our teenage years are the most emotional years of our entire lives. i mean it's crazy how we can go from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes, even seconds. i don't understand but i wish i did. wouldn't it just make it so much easier if everything was just spelled out for us? if every decision we made was already mapped out for us beforehand and all we had to do it follow the "yellow brick road" of our lives? *sigh* but then i started thinking. we do have a yellow brick road for our lives. it's God and the bible. it tells us what to do in virtually every single situation, and yet we still think that wandering off the road to the dark woods looks like more fun. granted it may bring you some excitement, but it's only a matter of time before you get bitten by something or you get terribly lost and can't find the sun. why can't we just stay on the road? why is it so hard for us? because we're human. we are so consumed with what we want. we want happiness, we want to feel good, we want love, and we want it NOW!! why can't we just be patient?
take relationships for example. what's the point? i mean how many of these silly fickle high school relationships are going to last?? i know everyone always says "well we're different" "we really love each other" "oh that would never happen to us, we are to perfect for each other" bull crap. you're teenagers for goodness sakes. sure you can look at someone and say "hey, i like them. i can see them being a person i would want to seriously consider marrying one day" but love at 15? i just don't think it works like that. everyone knows that hormones are raging right now. everyone can feel them. we all know they are there and we all want to act on them. it's just human nature. it feels great. we love having someone hold us tight, hold our hand, tell us we're beautiful, tell us we're the only one for them. that we're perfect in their eyes. but what is the end result most of the time? broken hearts, broken friendships, sad teenagers, and a skewed view of what a godly relationship is supposed to be like.
example: the other day i was working open gym and there were about 5 or 6 middle school kids there. they were like between 11-14. there were 2 or 3 girls and 3 boys. i asked one of the girls about the boys and she said she had a crush on all three of them. i then talked to the boys and the 12 year old was trying to get up the guts to go ask one of the other girls out. this kid is 12, mind you. and when i asked him about previous girlfriends he proceeded to tell me that he had already "gone out with" like a third of the girls in his class. am i the only one who thinks that is crazy? the kid is 12! and when i asked him about the girl he was about to ask out he said "oh she's like 12 and she's done like EVERYTHING with guys." "like everything everything??" i said. he knew exactly what i meant. "yeah. everything. like literally" "like she actually chose to do everything" "oh yeah" WHAT THE HECK?!?!?! the girl is 12 years old and she's already having sex! that is one of the grossest and saddest thing i have ever heard. when i asked one of my co-workers about it it didn't even surprise him. he was just like "oh ya. her brother's pretty wild so she prolly learned from him" are you not hearing me??? does it not bother you that this is happening?
what is going on here? what happened to weddings. love. true love. the word love has been so contorted that not many can even embrace it's true meaning anymore. that is not okay in my opinion. this is a problem. and i am just as guilty as anyone else. i am a stupid hormonally driven red blooded teenage girl just like everyone else. I'm no different. the question is: what can we do about it? how can we change this? is it even possible to change it. i mess up in this area so many times. i tell myself that "oh this must be love. he just seems so perfect. he actually likes me, that must mean he's the one for me. oh he thinks I'm pretty, i think I'm gonna fall in love with him now" it's so silly. i know i am just your typical teenage girl. we all think this way. but is that okay? the thoughts: of course. God made us to be hopeless romantics. to "oo" and "ah" with our girl friends about the boy that called her beautiful. the guy we think has a great personality. those thoughts are just fine. it's the actions that get in the way. when you start acting on these feelings you tend to get a bit blind. they always say "Love is blind" well i say that anybody with a member of the opposite sex runs the risk of being blind, whether it's love or not. it is so easy to act on these hormonal, god given feelings, but we need to step back and examine ourselves before we do anything else. we need to ask ourselves "is this what God would have me do. would he approve of my current situation. would he approve of this guy that is sitting beside me with my hand in his?" these are the questions we need to ask ourselves every time we act on our feelings. it is SO easy to mess up when you feel loved. you are willing to do just about anything in order to keep that love. but we need to think long term. what happens when that love goes away. when that guy finds someone prettier. when that girl gets bored with you? when he tries to go further than you had originally planned? what will happen to your heart when that love is torn from it? save your heart, guys. save it for the one that God has picked for you. don't give it away to whoever happens to make you feel happy, loved and accepted. if you do that then by the time you meet your MR. perfect, you won't have any heart left to give him. the things that once gave you goosebumps don't effect you anymore because you have done them so many times. give him everything. give her your whole heart. love the way God originally intended us to love, not the way our world declares as the perfect road to happiness.